I know hindsight is 20/20 but I am not so sure I ever would have gotten onto the S.S. Minnow in the first place. I’m not saying I’m smarter than a 5th grader, I’m just saying there are many reasons I would have never stepped foot on that boat.
They were like the very first Survivor Tribe. I wonder who would have been voted off the island first? I would have voted off Gilligan first and I would have made a secret alliance with Lovey because if it came down to just her and I in the final round, I could have beat the old lady in any of the physical challenges.
Here are the 10 reasons why I never would have gotten onto that boat in the first place:
1. There was no wi-fi on the boat.
Many major airlines now proudly advertise wi-fi capability on their flights. Cruise ships have had it even longer. But wi-fi was an ixnay on the S.S. Minnow. Why? Ok don’t send me a bazillion comments saying wi-fi or the internet wasn’t invented yet. The truth is, and you can fact check it on Snopes.Com I did (not.) It is my theory that the Professor had invented the internet and wi-fi in his hut on a previous tour. A young Albert Gore watched enough episodes to discover how to duplicate the Professor’s invention. Knowing the Professor was on desert island and never coming back, Albert filed a patent and staked claim to the invention of the information super highway several years later.
2. I think Ginger was a fraud.
I looked up this chick, Ginger Grant on IMDB and she doesn’t have any credits. Movie Star? I don’t think so. At best, maybe she had a cameo in a Johnny Bravo music video.
3. The Skipper was in charge of the boat.
That’s like letting my manager Mr. Bricks be in charge of what I am eating this week. Umm, that ain’t happening. He’s totally the wrong person for the job. Mr. Bricks thinks the four basic food groups are extra cheese, pepperoni, black olive and sausage on his pizza. Personally, I think the Skipper was better suited for being a tour guide on a tram at Universal Studios Hollywood Tour. They love having older fat guys cracking jokes while tourist take pictures about everything they point to. That would be a perfect fit for the mighty sailin’ man, I’m just sayin’
4. Mary Ann Summers.
Need I say more about this girl? I think she is highly annoying and I wasn’t surprised to read in the paper a couple of years ago she was busted for having pot. I had always suspected her and Gilligan of smoking Meth on the other side of the island. I figured what are the odds of two people so stupid ending up stranded on the same desert island unless they had a prior connection, like maybe the same drug dealer. It all makes sense then. A quick Google check also confirms a drug bust in West Virgina for possession of marijuana for Gilligan as well. Hmmm, see maybe this blonde blogger is onto something. Ya’ think? Move over Nancy Grace here comes Ava Aston.
5. Millionaires going on a three-hour tour?
Ok, there is no doubt that Thurston Howell III was being used by Lovey for his money. I think she was a Black Widow and she was the one who booked them on a 3-hour tour. Haven’t you ever asked yourself why would a millionaire and his wife be on a 3-hour tour on a piece of crap boat when they were so stinking filthy rich? They also brought along millions of dollars in cold cash in an old steamer trunk. Who does that? I think Lovey had a more sinister motive than sightseeing. Maybe she was trying to get Thurston onto the boat so she could push him overboard. Lovey could then claim the old geezer stumbled and fell overboard on his own, claiming it was an accident. When they got back to port she could file an insurance claim and get all of his money. I am convinced Lovey was an evil person. She also had one of those nasally annoying voices, kinda like Joy Behar has. You know what I mean? It’s like whenever they open their mouth you just hear white noise because you’ve already tuned them out. Hey wait… Joy, where are you going??? Wait. Come back here Joy. Please sit down and finish reading the rest of my blog.
6 . Gilligan was a dork.
Oh yea baby, and what a chick magnet this dude was. I loved his red shirt and that white hat of his…..Boy, I’m getting steamy just thinking of Skipper’s little buddy – NOT. Hey, if Gilligan was a car he would be a PT Cruiser, know what I’m saying friends? Gilligan wasn’t a chick magnet he was chick repellant. The bad thing was he ruined an entire generation of boys who thought it was cool to dress like him.
7. Life Jackets.
Did anyone ever tell the Skipper that is was maritime violation not to have one life jacket for each of the passengers? That is the same crap that got that big boat the Titanic in trouble. Life jackets for each passenger Skipper, I’m just sayin’.
8. Unsanitary Conditions of the Boat.
Something tells me this wasn’t the cleanest ship in the ocean. Even if it was a 3-hour tour and they were just serving snacks, I’d be whipping out the wet naps and offering them to Skipper and his Little Buddy as they were passing out some food. Even then..not sure if I could eat it. I’m a bit of a germaphobe.
9. The Weather Started getting Rough
I’m sorry but a little bit of planning and a 10 second glance at the Weather Channel would have told any one that it wasn’t the best day to go out on the water in a boat. I check the Weather Channel just to go for a run, and yet not one of them checked it before a 3-hour boat ride? Oh Lordy, they were all so lame they deserved to be stranded on that desert island.
10. Size Matters
Yah, I’m pretty sure I would have never step foot on the boat with these shady characters. And for me…. the boat was just way too small. If it’s not a boat bigger than a hotel, I don’t want to go on it. Even then, I’m checking with the Weather Channel to see if it would be cold enough for any snow or icebergs, because you just never know. The last thing I want to have happen is Celine Dione belting out a power ballad about me drowning while Leonard DiCaprio and Kate Winslet are making out while standing up on the bow of the ship.
Have a great Saturday!