From my vantage point in the other room, I can see it sitting there. Quiet and unassuming as it occupies a seat on my Grandma Pauliene’s newly upholstered red velvet chair.
As I sneak up upon it, I can hear the theme song to Jaws playing in my mind. With reckless disregard I reach out with my bare hands and I grab it. To my surprise, it grabs back. A small fight ensues. The Jaws’ music gets louder and faster. With my lead, the altercation moves from the front hallway to the kitchen. I head to the kitchen because I know they are plenty of sharp objects in there to help me destroy the Beast.
My breathing is getting deeper. I am unsure if I can do what I need to do. Thank goodness for those months of Jillian Michaels’ kick-my-butt workouts as I can feel my core strength being tested to the max. With my right hand still holding onto the Beast, I free my left hand just long enough to grab a pair of kitchen scissors from the wooden butcher block of knives.
In what I can only best describe as part Karate Kid and part Kung Fu with a little Edward Scissorhand move thrown in; I kick one leg into the air while swinging my body around with the scissors in my hand as I begin shredding the Beast. I think grasshopper has learned well from the Master. I have beat the Beast and I have destroyed it.
Snip-cut-snip-cut-snip cut. The Beast is mortally wounded and now lying on the kitchen floor. I’ve made a mess. The Beast has taken its last breath and died an unceremonious death at my hands.
I did it. I killed the Beast for now. But I know like a bad B-Movie, a new Beast will emerge. I happens every day I go to the mailbox and find the unwanted beasts sitting in the bottom of the box, just waiting to be taken inside the house and left unattended.
But I will not let it have its way in my house. Not me. No way, No how. I will not let the Beast get the best of me because I’ve seen way too many episodes of Hoarders. I know that it all starts out simple enough. First the Beast comes in and sits around. Then it is joined by days and days of other Beasts. And then whammo, just like a New York City cock roach, the Beasts multiply and suddenly you a hoarding problem. Then you forget to take out your garbage for a few years, then you never clean your stove or refrigerator… And then to make you a full blown hoarder, you must get 26 cats and let them use the house as a litter box. Gross I know.
Remember, all hoarding problems starts with letting the Beasts inside your home. No, I’m not talking about roaches, bed bugs or mother-in-laws…I am talking about junk mail. Junk Mail = The Beasts.
Have you ever noticed whenever you move the very first piece of junk mail you get is from the local Dominos Pizza. I am convinced they shake down the mailman and get the names and address of anyone who has put in a change of address card the minute it happens. A few years ago I got an apartment in Brooklyn. The very first day I was moving in, before my name was put on the mailbox, I received a 11x 6 postcard from Dominos welcoming me to the neighborhood, and it was addressed to Ava Aston. My Mom didn’t even have my new address, but Dominos Pizza did. That’s messed up.
So then the pizza coupons were followed by offers to get my carpet cleaned. If I just moved in why would I want my carpets cleaned? Then the junk mail gets really stupid. Flyers and junk to fix everything from plumbing to cracked windshields. I can not also stress enough how annoying those blue envelopes are that are filled with 200 coupons from every business that you will never use in a 1,000 mile radius. STOP! I don’t want your stupid coupons. And although it was a very clever marketing ploy by making the envelope the exact same shade of blue as Tiffany & Co, I didn’t fall for it. I knew I wasn’t getting a coupon for $1.75 off my next trip to Tiffany’s.
I have learned that one way of stopping many of the unwanted junk mail is to opt-out. You can contact the Direct Marketing Association at their website dmachoice.org and opt-out. I think it costs a $1.00, but well worth it.
I hope you can also control the Beast.