Ava for President! Ava for President! Well that is a mostly silent chant that might only be heard after my manager Mr. Bricks has had one too many Diet Cokes and his brain turns to mush!
I’m sure whatever your political persuasion is, you most likely never want to see me in the White House, unless I’m singing there, hint, hint. I can single-handedly create tons of muckery in my own little house. The last thing I need to do is to create muckery in a big fancy White one, while the world is watching me. No, thanks, I’ll stick to my gig as a rocker chick! Besides, that way I can wear jeans to work and I don’t have to wear dresses, I’m just sayn’.
In the spirit of this very political week, here is my fun spin on a few issues if I were President:
In reality, when I am not on the road singing I live just outside New York City. So for me, when someone asks me if I think we should close the borders, I’m like, absolutely!! Why would we want those crazy people from New Jersey crossing into our state? Forgetaboutit! Border is closed. Come back tomorrow.
And Food Stamps. I’m all about the people who need food, getting the food they need. Lord knows, I’m a Greek girl who loves to eat. And I feel blessed that I have food in the cupboard. So I hate the thought of an older person or a family with children going hungry. And if it means they need to get food stamps, I’m ok with that. According to a 2009 New York Times articles, more than 20,000 people a day sign up for food stamps.
The problem I have with that number is that the most rapidly rising demographic of new food stamp applicants is from college students. I know, right?? WTH? In fact, college students are being encouraged to apply! Many Universities now have a page on their websites devoted to instructions on how to apply for Food Stamps.
The U.S. Department of Agriculture renamed Food Stamps the Supplemental Nutrition and Assistance Program (SNAP) in 2008, and started using Electronic Benefits Transfer (EBT) cards instead of paper coupons and began an aggressive push to expand eligibility.
Here are some additional SNAP facts from the SNAP aka Food Stamp website:
• Over half of all U.S. citizens will use SNAP at least once during their lifetime.
• SNAP is not a charity. As a taxpayer, you are paying into this program and, when needed, you can reap the benefits.
• There are enough SNAP dollars for everyone that needs them. As a matter of fact, about 20 percent of US Citizens who are eligible for SNAP do not apply.
• Students receiving SNAP can defer their student loans while they are receiving benefits.
• Applying for SNAP is easy. In most cases, you will not have to apply more than once a year.
I wonder if Dominos near college campuses takes the new EBT Card? Maybe it’s just me, but aren’t your college years suppose to be tough? Aren’t dorm rooms supposed to be filled with the nasty smell of burnt Hamburger Helper and stale cups Noodle Rama’s Oriental flavored Cup-0-Soup? Rolling my eyes, I guess not any more. Ok, President Aston has just made an executive decision: No food stamps for kids in college, unless you are enrolled in some sort of music program, then you’re cool and I’ll let it slide. Score one for the arts!!
You can see this whole Commander-in-Chief role-playing thing is starting to make my head swell. I think I like the power.
Ok let’s tackle health care…oh, effective immediately, it’ll be called AvaCare. And please do call it AvaCare, I worked hard to earn that title…just sayin’.
To control costs I will be implementing a few rule changes. First off, if you run to the hospital’s emergency room and it is determined that you just have a runny nose, then you will be given a small box of tissues and sent home. No harm, no foul. We will even pick up the tab. However, if you ever show up again at a hospital emergency room at any future point in your lifetime where it is once again determined that you just have a runny nose then it will be deemed you are wasting valuable time and resources and your nose will be surgically removed from your face. Problem solved. And don’t think we won’t be tracking you, we will. That’s what the FaceBook wall comments are all about.
Secondly, if you come in vomiting, expect to clean it up yourself. It’s a hospital not your Momma’s house. We are a public building, and you just wouldn’t vomit in the middle of the lobby at a hotel would you? Then don’t expect to get away with shenanigans like that at a hospital either. Do you really think someone wants to clean up your stinky pukey mess anyways? Not.
Lastly, I want to address the new trend of hospitals providing menus to their patients and outsourcing traditional hospital fare for high-quality nutritional food. Well that’s a load of crap! Again, it’s not a Holiday Inn, so why should you get room service? Nope, it’s back to jello or toast and ice chips for all patients. One of the mottos of AvaCare is, “If you are well enough to eat, then you are well enough to get your butt out of bed and drive home!”
This whole presidential decision-making power has me needing a little vaca. I think I will take Air Force one to Paris and do a little shopping. Yah, that’s what I will do, for reals.