The whole world was a buzz today because the “trending” feature of Twitter was not working. Now #NoTrendingTopics is trending. I saw that one coming.
OK, as my very first self-appointment of the new year I am appointing myself the Czar of Trending Topics. The entire trending thing has gotten way out of hand. It use to be something or someone could be old fashioned or out of style only if it had been around for years. Now with the interweb thingy, something is outdated if it has peaked and is no longer trending.
Effective immediately I am instituting the following as “mandatory reading” for anyone who is even thinking about wanting to trend a topic on Twitter or Google.
The Greek Girl’s Etiquette Guide to Trending Topics by Ava Aston
If something weather wise is obvious then there is no need to trend it because everyone already knows about. Example: Today we are having a Blizzard here in New York. So there is no good reason for people in New York to Tweet #NYBlizzard. Hello, I can look out my own window! Thank you very much.
Not everyone runs around with their face painted two different colors, because not everyone cares about guys in tight capri pants hugging each other. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but we just don’t need a trending topic of which team does it best -just sayin.’ So stop it already.
If I see a celebrity’s name trending, I want to make sure they are dead! No wait, I don’t mean I want them dead, I mean there should be no reason everyone wants to talk about a specific celebrity at the same time unless, you know – they kicked the bucket. If you are like me and you see someone’s name trending on Twitter you instantly Google their name to see how they died. So, effective immediately no celebrities names should be trending unless they are dead. The exception should be the name Ava Aston or the phrase Greek Blonde Girl, once It hit the big-time feel free to trend away on those, no need to wait for me to kick the bucket.
You know this Blonde Girl loves her furbabies – all four of those little doggies are my life! So I can see when the word dog or cat is trending because other people love their furbabies as much as I do and that puts a smile on my Greek mug. However, I am always suspicious when I see words like Zebra, Giraffe or warthog trending. I don’t want to know why. So effective immediately, unless it is a species of pet for your home and it is one that you would let your mother see, it should not be trending. Dogs can be a trending topic 24/7 as far as I am concerned.
5. TV Shows
The invention of cable TV was a great thing. (I can’t remember did Al Gore also take credit for inventing cable TV as well?) If there is something we don’t want to watch we can change the channel (sorry Rachael Ray) But on Twitter if someone starts trending some dumb random show like, say for example The Rachael Ray Show, then for the next several hours my Twitter screen is hijacked with comments about a TV show that makes my skin crawl. So unless it’s about one of my favorite TV shows (Biggest Loser, Days of Our Lives or Joel Osteen) then it can not be trending any more. The exception will be for any shows I am starring or guest starring on.
Oh, and one more new law. Those hashtag thingys —-> # . Banned forever. I don’t roll like that.
Yes, I am the Trending Topics Czar and it is all about me. NOTE: I learned that line at the Czar training workshop I went to at the White House. That is what they teach you there — just sayin’