Recently I was at a corporate Christmas party and I was embarrassed at how people behaved after hours with their co-workers. I was an invited guest, so I don’t work with any of the people — but as Ricky use to tell Lucy, some people are gonna have a whole lot of ‘Splainin’ to do tomorrow at the office.
Now, this Greek Blonde girl likes to have a good time just like anyone…don’t get me wrong. But I do think perhaps some people never got the interoffice memo on how to behave (or not behave) at the company Christmas Party.
So at the risk of sounding like the newly appointed Czar of Christmas Parties here goes:
1. I am calling it a Christmas Party and not a Holiday party or not a Winter Solstice party. You play Christmas music there, NOT “Holiday” music, right? There is a Christmas Tree with lights and ornaments, right? So they must be called Christmas parties from now on. Forget trying to be all politically correct. If Justin Timberlake was able to bring Sexy back, then Ava Aston is bringing Christmas back — just sayin’
2. Smoking is a nasty habit. If you can not do it in your cubicle, then you shouldn’t be able to do it at the company Christmas party.
2a. Smokin’ weed is still illegal — just a reminder.
3. Just because the drinks are free it is not the time to test your body’s limit to endure a high blood alcohol level. Being carted away at the company Christmas party in an ambulance for alcohol poisoning is an epic fail.
4. Just because the food is free you don’t have to become a competitive eater for one night. Eating 4 or 5 wings on one plate is ample, 4 or 5 plates with 10 wings on each plate, not so much. I can also guarantee that some pencil pushing geek from accounting will be doing a spreadsheet tomorrow showing how your amount of food eaten-per-employee ratio was higher than anyone else. That spreadsheet will go into your personnel file and become part of your “permanent record.” It will haunt you for the rest of your career.
5. Never a good idea to tell the boss that his wifey is looking smoking hot tonight!
6. Do not try to sing on stage with the band. That is my job. I am a professional. I get paid for it. I promise I will not come and sit in your cubicle and stare at a computer screen surfing the internet for 8 hours a day, so please do not jump up on stage and try to sing.
7. Just because it is after hours your cleavage should not be on “display” and that goes not only for all women, but also for all of the husky men (like my manager Mr. Bricks) who decide to unbutton their shirt one too many buttons after getting all hot and sweaty on the dance floor.
8. Do not tweet photos of the Boss getting his grove on while on the dance floor.
9. Wearing a santa hat does not make you look cool.
10. Santa’s attractive female helper should be referred to as Santa’s elf, not as a hot little midget.
11. If the party is during the week, do not call in sick the next day. If you do, that mean lady who doesn’t like you in Human Resources will make note of it and put it in your “permanent record.” It will haunt you for the rest of your career.
12. It is just the company Christmas Party, not “Dancing With The Stars.” No one is judging you and you are not on TV, so please do not try to moonwalk, do not try to show off your best funky chicken, sprinkler or worm dance moves, do not try to krunk with the hot girl from the front reception desk and under no circumstances should you bust a move into the robot while you are on the dance floor.
13. If you are a woman and there is a long line for the women’s restroom just be patient and wait your turn. Do not use the men’s room, the sidewalk or a cup inside your car.
14. Be appreciative. Don’t be a Gloomy Gus and grumble out loud how you would have rather had the company give everyone a bonus than throw a lame ass party.
15. If you are single. Leave the party single. If you are married and attended the party without your spouse, leave the party without your spouse.
I hope I was able to make it crystal clear what Christmas Party Czar Ava expects from you this year. Don’t let me down, it’s not to late to add your name to the naughty list.
Note: You can purchase my Cd’s on my website they make excellent Christmas gifts. I will even autograph them for you. They will be sent from me to you with love!